Let's go back and set the scene. Three weeks before finals during my junior year in BYU's public relations program, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Zoey. Life couldn't be better. I was seriously on cloud nine. I had finally found the missing piece to my life--my daughter. Becoming Zoey's mother filled me with such joy and satisfaction that I couldn't ever imagine my life looking gloom again.
But, unfortunately, it did.
After spending four amazing months in San Diego with my little bug, Judd, Zoey and I returned to Provo to finish our senior year of college. The time that I had spent with Zoey during that endless summer did come to an end. Stress and some postpartum depression became a companion with me as I went back to classes and internships everyday.
We were looking to purchase a house at the time and until we found a permanent residence, we were living with Judd's brother and his wife. Living with Chad and Cat was a god-sent. Seriously though. Cat was always so willing to watch Zoey for us so Judd and I could attend class. As much as I didn't wish it was the case, I was taking 16 credits that semester on top of an on-campus internship so that I would be able to finish by spring. Judd was taking just as many credits and although we had staggered our classes to overlap as little as possible, we were still in desperate need of baby sitters to tend Zoey. I will forever be so grateful to Cat who watched Zoey countless hours for us during that time in our lives.
Earlier that year, my sister Brittany had moved from Eagle Mountain to Orem for her husband to work at BYU. This also proved to be one of my greatest blessings during this time because she was watching Zoey all the time as well. She lived about 10 minutes off campus and I remember the countless times Judd and I would drop Zoey off at Brittany's house on our way to class and then pick her up on our way back to Chad and Cat's. Zoey's time at Brittany's house increased even more once we bought a house less than two miles away from where Brittany was living.
On one of my first days back in class, I had a professor who was this old, British man, Professor John Hughes. He was asking the class questions as a way to let us get to know one another and one of the things he said was, "Raise your hand if you have any children." I was the only one in my class who raised my hand. That was when he turned to me and asked how old my child was. When I responded that she was only five months old, he told me that he allowed babies into his class and that I was welcome to bring her with me anytime I wanted. I took him up on that offer. Judd and I were able to work it out where we could bring her to campus, and he could watch her while I was in my first class of the day and then I could take her to Professor Hughes' class with me while he went to his classes. Professor Hughes allowing me to bring Zoey to class helped me feel like I saw some light at the end of the tunnel and that I would eventually be able to spend all day with her again.
Somehow during that fall semester, on top of everything else going on, we were able to buy a house and convert it into a duplex. That was incredibly stressful, and I felt like I was once again being pulled away from Zoey. I think Judd recognized how difficult of a time I was having because he went above and beyond at finishing up the house by putting in long hours and sending me to Chad and Cat's house so I could be with Zoey. At the end of the semester, we were finally able to move into out house. It was nice to be in a place of our own, but we did miss Chad and Cat's hospitality and the close relationship that Zoey had with their kids.
Miraculously, I survived that semester and was beginning to prep for my final one at BYU. I was only taking six credits, but I did have to do an off campus internship. I decided to intern at a start up company called A3 Industries. Judd too was able to do part time, but he had neglected his work the semester before and needed to start recruiting for our next summer. That was when we asked both of our mothers if they could each take a day to come watch Zoey while I was at my internship and Judd was at work. What wonderful mothers Judd and I have! They did not even bat an eye when we made such a huge request of them.
My mom came down every Monday and Caroline came down every Wednesday. Not only did they watch Zoey, but they cleaned and organized my house and even ran errands for me. Those two saintly women would take the two-hour round trip drive every week regardless of weather or their own busy schedules. They truly are the ultimate example to me of how a mother's love and care never ends for her children. I want to someday pay it forward where if Zoey or any other of my children ever need my help, I can be there for them to love and support them.
There were also countless other people who helped watch Zoey while Judd and I finished school. My dear friends Becca and Daniela helped out many, many times and I will always be grateful for them. One of the main lessons I learned through all of this is that Heavenly Father wants to bless his children in their righteous endeavors and that if we have faith and gratitude, that we will truly understand his love for us.
The final person who made my graduation possible was Judd. When we first found out we were pregnant, I was crushed. I believed that I would never finish school. But Judd, as serious as a heart attack, looked at me and told me that he would do whatever was in his power to make sure that I graduated from college--even if it meant that he didn't go back to school so that he could watch Zoey full time. His continuous love and support helped me feel like I was able to do it. He spent many nights holding me and making me feel better for leaving my daughter everyday so I could attend class. His faith in me showed me that not only was I good enough to accomplish my goals, but that I would always be supported by him. I truly came to love and appreciate my sweet husband more and more everyday. Judd has been a constant light and a wonderful companion to me since day one and I will always appreciate him for that.
As my final semester was winding down, I was still struggled with some PPD, although I don't think I truly saw that depth of it. I spent a lot of time emotionally eating. I would also just lie in bed whenever I had off time and just imagine myself sinking into my mattress and never coming out.
And then there was that voice in my head that every time I looked in the mirror it told me that I was a burden on my family and that I was a bad mom.
It told me that I was wasting my time and money because I would never end up using my degree.
It told me that Zoey would have been better off with a mom who could stay home with her all day.
It told me that my hopes and dreams were silly and that I wasn't someone who deserved to have those goals.
But I kept going. I didn't necessarily feel like I was trying to, more like I was just going through the motions. And when graduation finally did hit, I felt like I could finally be the mom I wanted to be. I still struggled (and sometimes still do) with that voice inside my head. Honestly, what probably helped me the most was becoming physically active again. That is what lead me to getting my barre certification. Being done with school and moving to Kansas City where Zoey and I were together all day again helped a lot too. Finally, trying to always find gratitude in every situation helped me pull through the dark days. I was grateful that I could accomplish my goals. I was grateful that I could be an example to Zoey. I was grateful that I was able to grow to appreciate my husband and family even more.
Graduating from college is one of my top five most proud moments of my life. I remember feeling so relieved that day and truly enjoying celebrating with my family and loved one on that day. I know that there are many moms out there who do it without the help of family and friends and I honestly have so much respect for them. I had it easy compared to what a lot of moms go through.
The overall lesson I learned from all of this is that everyone is deserving of their dreams. Sometimes it seems like they are impossible. A lot of times we need the help of others to accomplish them. It also may seem like it takes forever to complete them. But regardless of how we accomplish our goals, the important thing is that we do.
Thanks again to our wonderful friends and family who helped us during this time in our lives. We will always remember your selflessness and kindness!
