Reward Systems

I am a big believer in reward systems.  Take my primary kids for example.  I hype those kids up on so much sugar when they behave well in my class that I am sure their mothers hate me.  But hey, it gets them to listen (because of the treat) and I don’t have to worry about controlling the kids for two hours straight. 

Maybe I am a big believer in reward systems because I know how well they work for me.  I have trained and ran a few half-marathons in my time and there was only one thing that motivated me to go running.  If I trained, I could go get a frozen hot chocolate from Dairy Queen.  And those frozen hot chocolates pulled me through so many agonizing hours of training.  I feel like most people get to a point while running that they begin to like it.  I never did.  I hated running the first day I ran and I still hate it.  That is where my rewards system came in.

So why am I writing about this?  Well, today I did something brave.  Because I did something brave, I got to eat the entire last row of brownies from the pan.  What brave thing did I do?  I posted a picture of my baby bump. 

Honestly, I don’t have a good reason for why I haven’t posted one sooner.  Maybe it was because I didn’t want to seem cliché, or maybe I was trying to be “different”.  I am sure a lot of it had to deal with the fact that I have just recently had the realization that I am pregnant and will be having a baby in two months.   And going along with not realizing I am pregnant, I also have been having some body-image issues.  Yes, I know I am psycho for feeling that way, but when you mentally can’t wrap your mind around the idea that you are growing a baby and your body is changing, you start to feel self-conscious about the way you look.

But no more of that.  I am turning a new leaf and from now on I will proud of my body and baby bump.  Especially since I only have 72 more days until this baby bump is gone!  Well, let’s hope it is gone.  I am sure that I will still have to work hard to get it gone all the way.

But when I think about holding this sweet, little girl in my arms I know that all of my body issues/insecurities will melt away.  I can already start to feel them leaving.  I am proud that I will be a mother.  Not in the way that I want to flaunt it or brag about it, but more in the way that I want my baby girl to know that I am so blessed to be her mom.  I already know that she is such a choice spirit of Heavenly Father.  I know His love for her and am so excited that I get to share in that love. 

So from now on I am going to get over my fears and remember that my baby is bigger than my issues.  Here is to posting baby bump pictures, decorating a nursery, reading parenting books, studying birthing techniques, and sharing my love with everyone I meet!

To Changes and Hope!

I got a DSLR camera for my birthday/Christmas.  Let’s say it could not have come at a better time.  With only taking 6 credits this semester and it only being the first week of classes, I am already driving myself nuts.  I have already taken all of the quizzes in one of my classes for the entire semester and have begun lining up people for feature stories for my other class.  Already this semester seems foreign to me, even though this is my fourth year at BYU.  Maybe it is because I know that change is just around the corner and I am scared. 

I suck at change.  I have never been good at it.  Ask my mom, my sisters, Judd, probably even Nixon.  They can all confirm that when it comes to change I am a mess.  But at the same time that I am so scared for what is coming, I can’t help but feel some extreme excitement bubble up when I think about what my future holds.

I am going to be a mom.

I kind of already am, as I have been carrying this sweet little girl for the past seven months (has it really been seven months already?!?!).  I feel this deep, strong connection with her.  I love feeling her kick.  I love pushing my belly and feeling her shift and move.  I am amazed that I have been so blessed to have a child and to carry her.  I know it is a blessing that so many women want, but not every women can get.

I love being with Judd, watching him, seeing his mannerisms, and thinking, “I hope our baby is just like him.”  And how wonderful it is that she very well could be!  I love that she is just as much him as she is me.

I used to feel uncomfortable thinking that my body was no longer my own.  I used to crave to have my body back.  To not have to think about the life inside of me before I do anything.  But now I don’t mind that anymore.  Because I know that my baby needs me—the same way I need her.  And whenever I “forget” that she is there, she likes to kick me just to remind me.  Oh, what a sweet relationship we have with each other!  I already know that she is going to be a bit sassy, just like her mother.

I know that I still have two months to go, but when I think about what I have been through, I can’t help but feel grateful.  I have matured (finally) in ways that only a baby can make happen.  I finally understand why Heavenly Father commanded Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth (Gensis 1:28).  It really does bring a joy that nothing else can relate to. 

So here is to a new year full of fun, adventures, and change.  Just to end with one of my new favorite quotes:

 “Dear God,

If today I lose my hope,

Please remind me that your plans are better than my dreams.”

I truly believe that our Heavenly Father loves us and has a plan for us.  How grateful I am to be given the opportunity to raise one of his precious children.  I know that I am not the only one who has had feelings of fear and confusion, but I promise that as long as you keep your faith it will get better!  Remember that you are loved!