I recently read this story about a father who woke up to find his 2 1/2 year old daughter had passed away in her sleep. He mentions the "stolen moments" that he shared with his sweet Savannah while she was on this earth. Not going to lie, I was really teary-eyed and emotional when I read about this father's story. And now that I am a mother, I take his story and stolen moments with his daughter even more to heart.
I am currently sitting on my couch with Zoey curled up into my left arm sleeping while my right hand types out each letter one at a time like a 5-year-old. I would have preferred to set Zoey in her bassinet or swing so I could finish my final paper with two hands to type, but every time I tried to set Zoey down she would wake up and start crying. I have to admit that I was a little frustrated that she wouldn't just stay asleep in her bassinet. She is sleeping anyway. What would be any different? But then the words stolen moments popped into my head as I cradled her in my arms again and I felt so grateful that I had the opportunity to hold her in my arms.
How blessed am I to be with this baby another day. I realized that one of my stolen moments I have with her is the opportunity to show her all of the good in the world.
Last October Judd and I went to Disneyland. It was Judd's first time ever going to the Happiest Place on Earth. I was beyond ecstatic that I got to be there with him while he experienced all of his Disney firsts: Indiana Jones, the Aladdin musical, Haunted Mansion, and everything else!
I still get happy when I think about how fun it was to be with him at the time. But the best part about being Zoey's mom is that I get to experience those same feelings everyday with her.
Everyday her eyes stay open a little bit longer before she falls asleep. And everyday I get to see her become more aware of her surroundings. I get to witness her stare intently at something, trying to figure it out as I try to figure out what she is looking at.
I get to be with her when she experiences her first time at the beach, her first ice cream cone, her first Christmas, and her first bike ride. I get to be there next to her the whole time as she learns and grows and figures out who she is. I have never been more excited for my future and hers. When I think about all of the things that are ahead for her, I can't help but feel so blessed that I get to be by her side throughout it all.
Those are my stolen moments with Zoey. I love that I have already been able to have some of those moments with her and that there are endless ones ahead of us. I have made a promise to myself to cherish every moment that I have with Zoey and to always remember to be grateful.
Here is a video of my sweet little soccer player kicking away!
Zoey is 12 days old today. Time has flown by. I feel like just yesterday that I was in the hospital with her. That being said, it is probably time for me to record her birth story before I forget any of the intimate details.
Looking back at Zoey's birth, it was such an emotional thing. It was full of uncertainty, fear, and joy. Probably the most intense joy I have ever felt. It was such a beautiful thing and I have never felt more love in my entire life.
I need to start about a week before I had her. Every night I would start having contractions. But either my contractions weren't intense enough or they were too inconsistent so we never went to the hospital. I would just go to bed thinking that I would wake up in the middle of the night and we would rush to the hospital. But then I would wake up the next morning and the sun would be shining and my contractions would be gone. Yeah. It was pretty frustrating.
So Thursday, April 3rd, eight days after my due date, Judd and I were sitting on the couch watching Netflix. I started having contractions but just like every night, I stopped getting my hopes up. Judd, however, started to notice that they were getting pretty frequent and that I kept feeling more and more pain--especially in my back. That was another reason why I wasn't taking them too seriously. I kept assuming that I would be feeling the contractions more in my uterus than in my back. But Judd begged me to start timing my contractions and we found out that they were lasting about 30 seconds and coming every four to five minutes.
We decided that we would go to the hospital just to be safe. I honestly didn't think that we would be admitted. Judd decided to call him mom and I told him that I was going to take a shower. He was so cute and asked very nicely if I would be quick in the shower and not take a long time. I told him that we would see.
At all of our birth classes the nurses always said to stop by a food place and eat before going to the hospital. This was because the nurses won't feed you until after you have had the baby. So for the past nine months I had been planning on where I wanted to stop at before we went the hospital. I had decided on McDonald's because I am a sucker for their Oreo McFlurries. So when I got out of the shower I casually asked Judd, "So... Where do you want to eat?" (By the way, he did interrupt my shower to ask me if I would hurry up). That was when Judd said, "We don't have time. I will just make you a peanut butter and honey sandwich." I was crushed. I told him no. But I guess that when his mom had heard how my contractions were progressing, she told him that he needed to get me to the hospital right away. When her contractions got that close together she was usually having that baby within the next couple hours so she was really nervous for us.
So I let Judd make me the sandwich and I kissed my dream of getting my large Oreo McFlurry goodbye. While Judd was making the sandwich and running around the house grabbing the last few items we needed for our hospital bag, I finished getting ready and we started driving to the hospital.
By the time we got to the hospital it was about 1:30 a.m. There was a security guard manning the front desk and when we walked in, he raised his eyebrows and said, "Labor and Delivery? Second floor. I will let them know you are on your way up."
We were led into a room by a Labor and Delivery nurse and I was checked to see how far I was dilated. I was at a three at this point, so the nurse said that she would watch me for an hour and if I dilated another centimeter we would be admitted. The nurse then hooked two monitors up to me--one to measure contractions and one to track baby's heartbeat. She looked at baby's heartbeat for a minute and then told us that they were going to admit us because baby's heartbeat wasn't looking too good.
We were then transferred to the actual room that I would be delivering in. They hooked me up to an IV and started pumping me with fluids. Caroline showed up shortly later. By this point, my contractions were getting worse. I asked the nurse when the anesthesiologist would arrive so I could get an epidural. She told me that the anesthesiologist on call would be at the hospital in about 20 minutes. However, there was another woman who had just checked into the hospital before us so she was on the list to getting an epidural before me. The nurse estimated it would be about 40 minutes before I got my epidural.
I about died when she told me that. She saw my pain so she taught Judd some counter pressure things to do to help me with my contractions. Judd and Caroline were so sweet to me during this time. Caroline just held my hand while Judd applied the counter pressure.
Forty minutes later, I asked the nurse where the anesthesiologist was. She came back in and told me that the first lady's epidural didn't work so it would be another 20 minutes. That was a bummer. This time I was about to cry. I still don't know how I survived those last 20 minutes.
When the anesthesiologist showed up 20 minutes later, my mom walked in at the same time. It was so wonderful to see her. It was exactly what I needed at that time. The anesthesiologist gave me a waiver to sign over my epidural. I suddenly became paranoid that I would be the 1 in 300,000 people who become paralyzed after getting an epidural. But then I had another contraction and realized that that was a risk I was willing to take.
As they were administering the epidural the nurse put a chair behind Judd. I guess that a lot of fathers-to-be pass out when they see the needle that they use for the epidural. Judd didn't end up needing the chair, but it was funny that they gave him one anyway just in case.
The anesthesiologist told me that I couldn't move as he put the epidural in. But of course as soon as the needle touched me, my body automatically flinched. That was terrifying. Everyone kind of freaked out and told me not to move. Surprisingly, I snapped back at everyone and told them that I didn't mean to. The anesthesiologist was the only one who told me that my reaction was totally normal, but that I needed to be extra careful not to do it again as he tried to administer the epidural again. I didn't flinch the second time and it went in with ease.
Once the epidural kicked in I started feeling much better. I was numb enough where I couldn't feel the contractions anymore, but I could still feel my toes. My right hand did start to go numb, however, I could move my arm, but my fingers were completely immobile. The epidural also started to give me the shakes. My body just started shaking uncontrollably. Everyone kept asking me if I was cold and the nurses kept putting more blankets on me.
Unfortunately, throughout this whole time baby's heartbeat was still pretty bad. The nurses kept having me switch sides in hope that it would improve. Every time I had a contraction baby's heart rate would drop and it wouldn't recover fast enough. The nurses told us that this was a sign that baby was in distress. They gave me an oxygen mask in hopes that it would improve her heartbeat.
I was pretty surprised to hear that my baby wasn't doing well. I had had an extremely healthy pregnancy will basically no risks. I guess I had assumed that my labor would be just as easy. But the nurses kept watching baby's heart rate as it got worse.
By this time Brittany had shown up and the on-call doctor came in a few minutes later to break my water. He was hoping that by breaking my water it would push baby down and that the labor would pick up. It was in the early hours of the morning around three or four and by this time my face, hands, and feet were so swollen from the IV fluids that it looked like I had gained 20 lbs. My mom and Brit started rubbing my feet in hopes that the swelling would go down.
There was a change in nurses and although baby's heart rate was not improving, everyone encouraged me to try to get some sleep. I agreed and because I was so exhausted, I fell asleep pretty quick.
Baby's heartbeat was a constant beeping in the background. It was quick and upbeat and even as I slept I could hear it. However, I had only been asleep for about 20 minutes when my subconscious woke me up. I suddenly stopped hearing baby's heartbeat. I heard my mom gasp and opened my eyes. Everyone's eyes were wide and were looking at the monitor tracking baby's heart rate. I turned to see the monitor and saw that baby's heart rate had dropped so low that it was no longer being picked up by the monitors. I was also in the middle of an eight minute contraction (thank goodness I had an epidural!). All of the sudden a whole bunch of nurses came rushing into the room along with the doctor. They quickly injected me with a needle that stopped my contraction immediately. Now we all just looked at the monitor and waited for baby's heartbeat to rise again. It took longer than what the doctor was hoping for. At this point it seemed like baby was in pretty rough shape. And the medicine that they had injected me with had given me even worse shakes. I felt like I could barely talk because I was shaking so bad.
My cervix was checked again and during my eight minute contraction, I had dilated from a five to a seven. Once again, I am very grateful that I couldn't feel that. Props to all of the amazing women (including my sisters) who have given birth naturally without an epidural!
In response to what was happening with my body and baby and in an attempt to prepare me, the nurses informed me that the chances of me getting a cesarean section were increasing significantly. This really upset me. Like I said earlier, my pregnancy had been really healthy and I was not planning on a c-section. Since I wasn't planning on one, I had not studied up on them at all. I was completely uneducated on the process and recovery. Plus, I would be the first one on my side of the family to have ever had a c-section. But instead of getting mad, I decided that I would send good thoughts and vibes out into the universe. I have seen Judd do this for years now and I truly believe that you get what you put out. If you are sending positive thoughts and messages to the universe then you will get positive things back.
Judd's brother Chad showed up at the hospital on his way to work. It was about 6 a.m. at this time. The two of them gave me a priesthood blessing where I was promised a healthy delivery. That was good enough for me.
I fell back asleep but was awoken when my real doctor arrived. He had me switch sides a few more times to see if it would help baby's heart rate and then checked my cervix again. I was stuck at a seven. He said that he would watch me for another hour in hopes that I would continue to dilate. If I hadn't made any progression in that hour then they would give me some pitocin.
My father-in-law Kirt was on his way to a business meeting in Springfield that morning so he stopped by the hospital as well to check in with us. He is a pharmacist so he started checking out my IV bags to see what all they were administering to me. He had to leave shorty after that but it was so sweet that he took the time to stop by.
An hour had passed with no progression so they gave me a dose of pitocin. They actually gave me half a dosage of what they usually give just in case baby's heart rate decided to do a drastic drop again once my contractions started up again. We waited for another half hour when my doctor came in and gave me some news about the progression of my body and baby.
He said that there were basically three options ahead of us. Either a) they give me another dose of pitocin, my body reacts in a positive way and I deliver through the birth canal, b) they give me another dose of pitocin, my body reacts in a negative way and I need to have an emergency c-section, or c) they do nothing, my body does not progress and I end up with a c-section. He said the chance of me having a c-section at this point was about 50/50. I asked him if we could wait a little longer to see what my body was going to do next. I really did not want a c-section.
I was a complete wreck at this point. I did not want a c-section, but my baby was not doing well. Judd offered another prayer for comfort and that everything would work out the way that it should. Brittany saw how upset I was and offered to curl my hair for me. She decided to pamper me, which did calm me and make me feel a bit better.
It is just so funny the way that things turn out. My labor was not at all what I had anticipated. I had it all planned out in my head of how I wanted it to be and none of it was working out. I felt scared, confused, and a little angry.
The doctor came in again after Brit had done my hair and told me that baby was going more and more into distress and that the best course of action at this point was to do a c-section and get her out. I continued crying and hoping that by some miracle I would suddenly dilate to a 10 and could start pushing. Caroline offered another prayer that filled the room with a beautiful spirit of peace and then the nurses came in to give Judd some surgical garb to wear.
He was the only one who would be allowed to go with me in the delivery room. It freaked me out that I would not be able to be with my mother, sister, and mother-in-law anymore. But everyone was so sweet and kept sending me messages of love and kindness.
I ways also asked to put on a surgical hat and they began wheeling me into the room. I remember it was cold and I was stressing out because I could still feel my toes, even though a new anesthesiologist had come in to numb me up all the way. I am pretty sure that at one point I turned to him and told him that I could still feel my toes, but he assured me that the rest of the epidural would kick in soon and I wouldn't be able to feel anything in a little bit. He was right. I was soon so numb that I felt like the lower half of my body wasn't even there.
The nurses put up a big blue curtain in front of my face blocking out the lower half of my body and told Judd that he needed to stay by my head. The doctors and nurses confirmed that everything was ready to go and then I heard the doctor say, "Scalpel!" That threw me for a loop. I turned to Judd and said, "So..." He then did a very good job of talking to me to keep my mind off of what the doctor was doing.
To be honest, though, I have no recollection of what we talked about. All I know is that I was so scared and then really nervous when we heard the doctor say, "Okay, Dad! Here she comes!" Judd then was able to peek his head over the blue curtain and watch Zoey take her very first breath. He was also able to follow the nurses and watch as they cleaned Zoey off and weighed and measure her.
I couldn't see anything and couldn't move, but I was bawling listening to her cry. It was crazy knowing that she was in the room even though I couldn't see her. I remember hearing Judd talk to her and then saying to me, "Camie! She has hair!" He had taken a few pictures on the camera and came over to me to show me. Yup. The first time I saw my baby was on a camera screen. But even on that camera screen, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
Judd walked back over to her and soon was able to bring her over to me. I was only able to see her for about 30 seconds and I wasn't able to hold her, but I couldn't believe that she was mine! She was so perfect in every way. They then had to take her to the nursery and Judd went with her. He had offered to stay with me, but I couldn't imagine my sweet Zoey having to be alone in the nursery without either of her parents, so I told Judd to go with her. They soon left and I found myself alone in the delivery room while the doctor and nurses stitched me back up.
I realized then that that was the first time I had been alone in nine months. It was almost this surreal feeling. I felt kind of empty. Even though I was completely numb and couldn't physically feel that Zoey was no longer with me, I could feel that her spirit and presence were gone. I didn't like it. But I told myself to relax while the nurses took the next hour to make sure that I was completely stitched together.
I thought that I would be able to see Zoey right after I was returned to my room, but I guess that they have a pretty strict policy that says that once the baby is taken down to the nursery, she is not allowed back up to the labor and delivery area. I was crushed. I had just experienced a pretty traumatic night and now I was being denied the opportunity to see my baby. They told me that it would be another hour at least. I lost it at this point, but I wasn't the only one. My family was furious and Brit went to talk to the nurses. Everyone else had followed Zoey down to the nursery except for my mom. She stayed with me and held my hand while I cried. Her support for me at that time was so needed. I will always be grateful for those moments.
I don't know how long that lasted, but I know that Brittany is one good sister. Apparently she had given those nurse a piece of her mind and they had agreed to let Zoey come back up to meet me. I was ecstatic. My tears of anxiety turned to tears of joy and I was anticipating meeting my Zoey. Everyone in the nursery had heard the good news and all came back up to see the first time that I would be able to officially meet Zoey.
As Judd rounded the corner with Zoey, a new wave of tears came. I don't remember what anyone said or what else happened. My mind had hyper focused on Zoey and I couldn't concentrate on anything else. She was so beautiful. Everything about her was perfect. I got to hold her and snuggle her--just like how I had wanted to for the past nine months. It was such a beautiful experience and it couldn't have happened in a better way.
Although I was initially very upset about getting a c-section, I am not anymore. I know that Heavenly Father has a way of making everything work out for our benefit and I feel like a better person for having been tried that way. I am so grateful for the wonderful friends and family who have supported me throughout all of this and have shown their unconditional love. I am so grateful for Judd who has been nothing but loving throughout this whole experience and kept giving me hope when I had none left. Our life now is pretty great. I will definitely be posting more updates about our everything.
My beautiful, amazing, wonderful sister Brittany documented my whole birth story and put together this beautiful slideshow of it. Here it is! If you want to see more of her work, check out her webpage at brittanybennionphotography.com. Thanks again Brit! Love you!
