Pages

Monday, December 19, 2016

Isla's Birth Story



I realized I had a #momfail when I saw that my little Isla Pearl was one month old a couple weeks ago and I still hadn't written down her birth story. My parents came down a few days ago to visit and snuggle sweet Pearl, and my mom had to remind me of some details I had forgotten about that day already! Ah! So here I am, writing it all down so that I never forget it.

Isla's due date was November 4th. I know that due dates are often incorrect, so I was hoping that she would come before halloween. Specifically, October 27th because my favorite midwife was on call that day and wouldn't be on call again until November 10th. So I told Isla she either had to come on October 27th or November 10th. Since I had no intentions of staying pregnant all the way until November 10th, I was really pushing for the 27th of October. But alas, October 27th came and went and I was still pregnant.

Since it looked like Isla was going to take her own sweet time getting here, I said, "Fine. Stay in there until November 10th. In fact, why don't you just stay in there until the 11th so that you can have a cool birthday like your sister." (Zoey's birthday is 4/4/14)

That is exactly what Isla decided to do.

I went past my due date of 11/4/16 and was still pregnant. It was November 10th and I was officially 41 weeks pregnant. I had a non-stress test and midwife appointment that morning. Since the midwife that I wanted to deliver Isla was on call that day, I decided that my day would go as following: go to my midwife appointment, go home and clean my house (I had a sink full of dirty dishes that I needed to get done still), go into labor that evening, and finally deliver the baby shortly after midnight so she would be born on 11/11/16. 

I showed up for my non-stress test and was hooked up to the monitors. I know that a baby's normal heart rate is between 120 and 160 BPM and I was watching Isla's and she looked great.

After about a half hour, the technician came in and straight up says, "Well, baby isn't looking great so you need to go to labor and delivery right now."

I was totally shocked. What was she talking about? I asked her why she said that and she said that Isla's heart rate was doing some late decels. A late deceleration is when a baby's heart rate drops after a contraction. A baby's heart rate usually drops during a contraction and that is totally normal, but if it is after a contraction then that can be a sign that baby is in trouble.

At this point, I broke down crying and asked her if I could go home and get my hospital bag. I literally had nothing with me at the time. She told me no. I asked her if I should call my husband and have him come to the hospital (he was at home with Zoey). She told me yes. I will be honest, that technician was kind of a brat. She could see I was in a panic and she was pretty rude about it all. But I am just assuming that she sees this a lot in her work so she isn't as alarmed or as upset by it as her patients tend to be.

I think I was so upset because I was having some serious flashbacks to what happened with Zoey. My first thought when she told me this was, "Well there goes my VBAC that I have been working so hard to get." When I went into labor with Zoey, I was hooked up to the monitors and they noticed that after every contraction, Zoey's heart rate would drop with the contractions and not recover fast enough. That was putting Zoey into some distress and was the main reason why we ended up doing a c-section with her. 

Although I am so incredibly grateful for modern medicine and all of its life saving procedures, I really wanted to avoid a c-section this time and instead have an unmedicated VBAC. For the past few months, I had been doing research and reading books on how to best prepare myself for an unmedicated VBAC. My doula, Bonnie, recommended that I do Hypnobabies and I fell in love with that program.

I had been preparing so hard to have a VBAC and I immediately felt like history was repeating itself. When I called Judd and told him to come to the hospital and bring the hospital bag (plus a few things I hadn't packed yet), I was hysterical. He called my SIL, Lizzie, and told her the situation and asked if she could watch Zoey. Lizzie was so kind and immediately came up to be with Zoey while Judd rushed to the hospital.

I wanted my mom to be there too so I called her to have her come down. I called Bonnie to tell her the situation, but told her not to come down yet because I wasn't sure what was going to happen once I got to labor and delivery since I wasn't in labor at all. She told me some great things to talk to the nurses about to make sure that my birth plan stayed on track for an unmedicated VBAC.

When Judd arrived, L&D hooked me up to their monitors to see if they could catch any late decels. We waited there for a long time. Like an hour. At first, they said they weren't catching any, but then my midwife, Claudia, came in and said that they saw some and were going to admit me. 

Since I wasn't in labor at all, they had to give me some pitocin. Pitocin was not part of my birth plan because I was hoping I would go into labor naturally, but because of the situation we were in, I could understand why we were doing it. I wanted to have as few medical interventions as possible as part of my birth plan in order to avoid have a repeat c-section.

The contractions finally started shortly afterwards, but honestly, I could hardly feel them. Since Claudia knew I wanted an unmedicated VBAC, she started my pitocin off very very light. Apparently, they usually start pitocin off at a level 4 and increase it by 4 every hour. However, for me, they started it at a 3 and were only increasing by 1 level couple hours. This was also partly because I literally was only dilated to 1cm and was only 60% effaced. My cervix needed to time to dilate and they didn't want the contractions to become too intense too quickly. 

So then we waited. 

And waited.

And waited.

Literally though. My non-stress test that morning had been at 9:30am and by 10:00pm (over 12 hours), I was just barely dilated to a 1 1/2cm. Bonnie had been texting me throughout the day asking for updates and if she should come down, but since nothing was happening, I told her to stay at home still (she lives in Kaysville so I didn't want her to drive all the way down and then have her have to turn around if it was going to be a long labor--which it turned out to be).

Billy and Lizzie had been with Zoey all day and were planning on watching her that night too since we were in for the long haul--bless them. My mom had gone home for a few hours that afternoon to grab some things she had forgotten sine she had rushed out the door that morning because I was in such a panic and had made it back without any updates.

Since I didn't have an epidural (no catheter) and was hooked up to an IV, I had to pee a lot. With a VBAC, you have to be monitored 24/7 and have an IV, so Judd and I got really good at unplugging me from all of the monitors and walking to the bathroom. I swear I was going every half hour for 12+ hours. Judd became a pro and basically won the best husband/baby daddy award after all of that.

That evening, Billy and Lizzie came over to the hospital and brought Zoey with them. I was trying so hard not to lose it when I saw Zoey. I had all of these feelings return about her not being my only child anymore and how much I missed her. It was a nice little visit and I admit that I cried for a little bit after they left. But Zoey loves Billy, Lizzie, and Hudson so much so I knew she was in good hands.

Around 11pm (~13 hours into labor), my water still hadn't broken and I was still only at a 1 1/2cm dilated, my midwife came to talk to me about some of my options going forward. I had a feeling that my water wasn't going to break naturally because my two sisters who have had vaginal births had to have their waters broken. I assumed I would be the same way so despite not wanting a lot of medical interventions, I was open to them breaking my water. 

But Claudia mentioned doing a Foley Balloon since my water still hadn't broken. I had never heard of that before, but basically they insert a balloon into your cervix and inflate it. It forces your cervix to dilate to about 4cm before it falls out. 

I decided to call Bonnie and ask her what she thought about it because she knew my birth plan best. As she was discussing the pros and cons about it and giving me more information on it, I had a contraction that felt like someone had stuck a pin up my cervix. I suddenly felt a HUGE gush of water and did a giant gasp. My mom was on the couch in the room and jumped up and said, "Camie??" I sat there in disbelief for a second and said, "I think my water just broke!" Bonnie laughed and said, "Well I guess that solves your problem for decided whether or not you wanted a foley balloon because they can't do it if your water is broken!"

Having my water break was the weirdest experience ever. With Zoey, they tried to induce labor by breaking my water, but I had an epidural with her so I didn't feel it at all. But this time around, I seriously was soaked. The nurse came in and she and Judd helped me to the bathroom and I just had buckets coming out of me. Even the nurse commented on how much water there had been. And it just kept coming! I went through at least three full sized towels and still soaked them all. 

Up until this point, my contractions were pretty mild. I could feel them, but I wasn't in a lot of pain yet. I soon found out that it was because my water had been basically a cushion for me because I was definitely starting to feel the intensity of my contractions now. They were hurting. My Pitocin was a level 12 now and it was hurting.

When I had first arrived at the hospital, Claudia had told me to to expect to be there all day, all night, and all day the next day, but I was optimistic and hoping that it would not take that long. But at this point, it was looking like Claudia would be right. I finally was tired enough to sleep (sleeping in hospitals is SO hard--especially when you have to get up to pee every 30 minutes) and it was probably the worst sleep of my life.

My contractions were three minutes apart, but my body was so exhausted at this point that I would literally fall asleep for three minutes, wake up, half a contraction, and then fall asleep for another 3 minutes. I repeated this cycle for about an hour before I decided to give up on it.  I still had the external monitors on me, and Claudia mentioned putting some internal monitors on instead.

About 2am, Claudia and the head nurse came in to put the external monitors in. Claudia placed the first one on my uterus. I guess the internal monitors are a lot more accurate than the external monitors because Claudia goes, "Wow! Those contractions are a lot more intense than what they were showing on the external monitors! How long have you been having these contractions for? They don't get more intense than this when you are in active labor."

That was a relief to hear because I literally thought I was dying. And all I could think was that it would only get worse. I told that to Claudia and she said that I have a higher pain tolerance than I think. That might be one of the best compliments I have ever received. Seriously though.

As Claudia was placing the second internal monitor on Isla, I had another huge rush of water come out of me. And this time there was even more than the first time. Claudia couldn't believe it and said that she was getting a shower (Gross, I know, but that is childbirth for you).

Suddenly everything around us started beeping. The head nurse starts yelling, "She's crashing! She's crashing!" She gets on the monitor and yells for the doctor and anesthesiologist to get into there now. All of the nurses ran into the room and started unplugging me from things. Even Judd and my mom were unplugging me from monitors. They grabbed my bed and wheeled me into the OR before I even had a chance to process what was happening. 

Isla's heart rate had dropped to 19BPM and they were going to knock me out since I didn't have an epidural and do an emergency c-section. Neither Judd nor my mom could go back with me since I would be unconscious and I was totally panicked. I asked Claudia if she would stay with me and she said yes, then the anesthesiologist who I had literally just met was kind enough to say that he would stay with me the whole time too. I was terrified at the thought of being knocked out and waking up to my baby being there. I was couldn't imagine not be present for my baby's birth--even if it was through a c-section. I was now facing one of my biggest fears as my reality. 

My body went into shock and I literally was shaking everywhere. Like out of control shaking. My teeth were chattering and my knees were propped up and I could just see them shaking uncontrollably. One of the nurses grabbed a heated blanket and placed it on my chest and arms to help. 

They moved me from my bed to the operating table, and right before they put me under, Claudia told everyone to wait. Isla's heart rate had recovered. They doctor said that we should wait for about 10 minutes to make sure she didn't crash again before they moved me back into my room. He also suggested that I go ahead and get an epidural in case Isla's heart rate dropped again, so I wouldn't have to be put under if they did end up doing a repeat c-section. 

Since Isla's heart rate recovered, Judd was allowed into the OR dressed up in scrubs. It was nice being able to see him and have him there with me while the anesthesiologist gave me the epidural. Sitting in the OR getting my epidural, I couldn't help but feel relieved that I was getting an epidural, I was sad that I wouldn't be unmedicated, like I had originally planned, but I was exhausted now that my body was no longer in shock and my adrenalin rush had worn off. Since I had been at the hospital for almost 18 hours (it was almost 4am at this point) with having active labor contractions for the last 4 hours, I was very ready to have some kind of relief. The epidural at this point felt amazing. 

My eyes immediately were drowsy and I was able to fall asleep. When I woke up an hour later, I saw Bonnie poke her head into the room. Judd had been texting her and told her what had happened and she got in her car and rushed down immediately. It was so good to see her and have my advocate there. 

A little while later, Caroline also came by to visit. She had heard about the c-section scare and had wanted to come by to give us her love and support. It was wonderful to know that we were surrounded by family and loved ones who were rooting for us and our baby.

I soon fell asleep again for another hour. During this time, my contractions were looking pretty good so they lowered my pitocin levels. Unfortunately, this all but stopped my contractions. I think my body just doesn't like to go into labor. Zoey was 9 days late when I went into labor and they were going to turn me away except that her heart rate wasn't looking good. We had to use pitocin with her too in order to get contractions going.

I was so numb from the epidural that I was starting to feel a little uneasy about it all. They kept having me flip from side to side but since I was SO numb, I couldn't even help with the process at all. I asked the nurse if the anesthesiologist could come in and turn down the epidural amount. 

Honestly, most of the time from here until I began to push was just simply waiting. My epidural levels were lowered and even though I was still numb, I at least gained some feeling back into my feet and lower legs which made me feel significantly better. 

At 7am that next morning (~21 hours since my appointment), Claudia's shift was over and Josie, another midwife from the practice, was going to take over. Claudia was doing her final check offs with me and wishing me good luck with the delivery. I had really appreciated Claudia and was grateful for her help. I also had one of the nurses from the morning shift from the previous day come in and say hi! She told me that she was happy to see me again, but not too happy since that meant I still hadn't had the baby. It was weird thinking that this nurse had finished her shift with me, had gone home, gone to bed, and woken up to come back to work and I was still there. To me, it felt like world outside of the hospital had stopped. It was weird thinking that everyone--including the hospital staff--just saw that day as a regular normal work day with no major changes. Josie checked my cervix, noted that I was about 5cm at this point and we just continued to play the waiting game.

Right before noon (~26 hours in), my mom decided to send Judd home to spend some time with Zoey and to shower. He had been pretty traumatized over Isla's heart rate crashing and was pretty restless. He had basically just been pacing the floor of the hospital room until my mom told him to just go home. He hadn't slept since that had happened and we were all in pretty bad shape over lack of sleep. So Judd left and I was still hanging out with my mom and Bonnie.

Josie came in about 15 minutes later to check my cervix and to see how I was progressing. She was very excited as she said, "Oh look! You're at a nine!" That was music to my ears. My mom ran out to the hallway saying that she was calling Judd right then when Josie said that I would start pushing in an hour. My mom missed that part and told Judd to come back to the hospital right away.

Judd had literally just pulled into the driveway when he got word so we pulled right back out and came speeding down the freeway. He was freaking out thinking that he was going to miss the baby being born because he never got the memo that I wasn't going to push for another hour! Let's just say he made it back to the hospital in record time.

During this time I was elated. All I kept thinking was that I was getting my VBAC. After the months of preparation and the time in the hospital thinking that I should just give up and have them do another c-section, I was so excited that it was actually happening. I felt like there was this weight that was lifted off my shoulders. I was so proud of Isla because she had kept her heartbeat high enough where a VBAC was going to be possible. 

It was soon time to push and I was so ready. I had attended two previous live births before this one--my sister's Brittany's (whose baby literally came out after one push) and my best friend's Becca's (who ended up pushing for three hours!). Because of those two (but mostly because of Becca's since Brit's was so fast) I had a pretty good idea of what I needed to do. Pushing was a lot harder than I thought it would be. Even though I had an epidural, I could still feel a strong pressure.

It took a couple of pushes to really figure out how to push and even then I sometimes wasn't pushing right. The nurse asked if I wanted to a mirror so I could watch Isla be born. I had heard about this before and I totally wanted to do it. For any of you soon-to-be mamas out there who are reading this, if you are offered a mirror, I would totally recommend getting one! It was SO cool! Definitely one of my favorite parts of my labor (if not my favorite). I was able to watch Isla crown and it definitely helped me focus and my pushing became a lot more efficient because I could see what I was doing.

I was exhausted as I was pushing. I have never done anything so physically exhausting in my life--and I run at least one half-marathon every year! My contractions were 6 minutes apart, but honestly it felt like 30 seconds. I would push four times during a contraction, and then close my eyes and try to breathe. Whenever I would feel another contraction coming on and Josie said it was time to push, it took all of my willpower to push again. My mom later told me that she had never seen someone's face turn as purple as mine did while I was pushing!

Despite how exhausting it was, I felt like it lasted for only 15 minutes. It ended up being an hour of pushing, but by this time anyway, my body had no concept of time. I could see Isla starting to crown and I knew that it wouldn't be long until she was out.

Once I pushed her head out, I felt an instant release of the pressure. I saw her little body just slide right out on the next push. She was finally out! Part of my birth plan is that they place her right on my chest before she was cleaned off or anything. They tried to put her on my chest, but they were still working on the cord so I couldn't get her quite up all the way and just held her in my arms. 

It turns out that Isla's cord had been up against her cheek when she was born and that her other hand had been holding it. We don't know for certain, but we have a theory that when the rest of the water came out earlier that night and she started to crash, we think that the cord was being constricted against my pelvis bone and was cutting off her oxygen/life supply and that is why she started to crash. Once she shifted to a new position, her cord was no longer compressed and that is why she recovered. We aren't sure that this is the case, but that is our guess.

She was so beautiful. Judd cut Isla's cord and I was able to just hold and stare at her. I didn't have an episiotomy, but I did end up having to get some stitches. I was so exhausted, but I had done it. I had gotten my VBAC and was holding my sweet little girl in my arms. 

Billy and Lizzie had come down while I was pushing and had brought Zoey so she was able to meet Isla right after she was born. It was totally surreal seeing my baby (Zoey) meeting my new baby (Isla). You could tell that Zoey didn't quite understand what had just happened and didn't seem as interested in meeting Isla as she was in seeing us (actually mostly Judd), but that has completely changed. All she wants to do now is hold Isla and snuggle Isla all day. Those two are already best friends which has completely warmed my heart. I was so worried that Zoey would be jealous of the new baby since she and I are so close, but Zoey has proved over and over again that she would much rather snuggle Isla than me! 

We had some more of our family members come see us right after Isla was born. I was so exhausted after being awake for over 30 hours with only getting two different hours of sleep during that time that Judd asked for us to be moved to our recovery room so that we could rest. My mom went to get Zoey and take her to her house for a few days while we were recovering at the hospital and Bonnie stayed for some short postnatal care before heading home too.

We were so happy to finally have little Isla with us. Having a VBAC was such a big journey and step for us and I am still filled with such gratitude when I think of it. 

I am so grateful for so many people who helped us through all of this. Thanks to my mother for being there with me and for being so willing to help at any given moment. Thanks to Billy and Lizzie for watching Zoey the whole time were at the hospital (and especially Lizzie because when I came home she had done all of my dishes I had been so stressed about!). Thanks to Bonnie for being such a great doula and for supporting my VBAC and birth plan (I would highly recommend her to any of my friends who want an amazing doula!). Thanks to my dad for sending me encouraging texts and for letting me steal his wife for over a week. Thanks to my sisters for letting me call them all the time and talk about my pregnancy, birth, and recovery and for not getting sick of me over it. Thanks to Judd's mother and family for showing such support to us through it all. Thanks to my friends who supported my crazy birth plans and for thinking of Isla and giving us little gifts like outfits and blankets.

Judd and I really feel so blessed to have such wonderful people in our lives. When I think about all of the service and love that people have given to us, I can't help but think of Matthew 25: 40 that reads:

"And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me"

This Christmas season has held special meaning to me this year as I have held my newborn baby and thought about Christ coming into this world the same way: pure, innocent, and perfect. I have been able to reflect on his life and realize what a joy it is to have a Savior who suffered and died for our sins. He truly is the Redeemer of the world and I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to get to know him through my own faith and testimony. 

I know that miracles still exist because Isla's birth was a miracle as I am sure most moms feel as they hold their newborns. The love that is felt as your hold your new babe in your arms comes straight from heaven. It makes you wonder if this is how our Heavenly Father feels about us. 

Thank you so much again for the wonderful love and support everyone has given us. We are so blessed and grateful that little Isla has come into our world. May you all have a Merry Christmas and feel our Savior's love for you this year.




Saturday, December 3, 2016

It's okay to laugh at this. I am not dead from embarrassment--yet.

Alright. I think enough time has passed now where I can finally start talking about it.

I meant to be writing Isla's birth story today. I SHOULD be writing Isla's birth story today. But I keep getting distracted and my mind keeps wandering to this experience I had earlier this week and I think I just need to write it down to get it out of my system.

Have I built up the suspense enough yet? You ready for my most embarrassing moment probably ever?

Let me give some background information. You know in Miss Congeniality how they joke about Gracie Lou Freebush and her love for taking long, luxurious bubblebaths? Think of me as Gracie. I love my bubblebaths. I love to soak in the tub while reading a book or scrolling through Facebook (I haven't dropped my phone in the tub yet and I pray that day never comes). Bubblebaths help me relax. I may have become too dependent on them (I will take 2-3 baths a week), but I find that I am able to deal with life a lot better after I have taken a soak.

Anyway, back to the main part of my story. I was having a rough morning a few days ago. Isla had kept me up all night the way that newborns do, Zoey was needing some extra attention, and Judd was at work. I was feeling extra stressed and was struggling not losing my temper. When I had finally got Isla to sleep and sat Zoey in front of the iPad, I decided to draw a bath and use one of my new bath bombs that I had gotten from Lush the previous week. I sat in the tub, dropped in the bath bomb and started reading my book.

Whenever I take a bath now, I always leave the bathroom door open. Since my bathroom is directly across the hall from my bedroom, I keep Zoey and Isla in there with the door open as well so I can listen and watch them. The two were perfectly content for the first time that morning and I settled in deeper to my book.

About 15 minutes into my bath, Zoey came running into the bathroom saying, "Mommy! Mommy! Look!" I assumed that the iPad had died or she needed help putting on a new show so I grabbed the iPad from her.

What I did not expect was to see a strange man looking at me.

To my dismay and horror, I instantly reached for the End Call button on the bottom of the iPad. Zoey had been FaceTiming someone.

My first gut reaction was absolute terror. I had so many questions. The first was, "Did that guy just see me totally naked?" The next ones were all about Zoey--how long was she face timing him for? Did she call him or did he call her? Did he do or say anything weird or perverted to her?

I checked the call information. It was from an email address I didn't recognize. Not good. The call had been an incoming one so he called us. Not good. But the call had lasted only one minute so I put together that he had called us, Zoey answered and upon not recognizing who it was, immediately came and told me. I praised Zoey for doing the right thing and for showing mommy immediately.

I sat there for a second thinking about it and then was able to put the bigger picture together. The iPad that Zoey was using is hooked up to Judd's Apple ID. Judd is always recruiting during the off season, and uses FaceTime as a major communication platform to talk to guys when they are not able to meet in person. I started to suspect that this was one of Judd's guys he has been meeting with--how else would they have gotten his FaceTime info?

So I called Judd in a panic. He didn't answer. I texted him SOS. Still no response. I called him again and again. He FINALLY called me back and I word vomited the whole story to him. I could practically hear him face palming himself when he told me that he had a meeting with a guy over FaceTime at that time and had completely forgotten to call him. He checked the email address of the guy and, sure enough, the two matched. Judd then checks his other messages on him phone and sees that he has a text from that guy. The text read, "Hey Judd, I just tried to FaceTime you and this little kid answered and then took the iPad to this woman who looked horrified when she saw me and then hung up."

Oh my gosh. I was going to kill Judd.

To Judd's credit, he at least told me how sorry he was that that had happened. He must have heard how traumatized I sounded because he later admitted that after he hung up, he told his buddy the story and they busted up laughing about it.

The very next thing I did was disable FaceTime on that iPad--at least while Zoey is using it--and then begged Judd to not tell the guy that I was his wife and that it had been some weird fluke. I am pretty sure that Judd told him the truth anyway (as he probably should have), so now I am just praying that I never have to face this guy in person.

I have no idea how much of me that guy saw. Judd didn't ask and the guy didn't say anything about it. I am going to be optimistic and assume he saw nothing but my face.

I texted my mom and told her that I was dead and that I wasn't ready to talk about it. She kept sending me worried text messages and then when I finally felt like I was able to talk to someone about it, I called her. She was at Smith's Marketplace. The only other time I have heard her laugh that hard was when she rode the Rocket at Lagoon for the first time. She told me that people were staring at her because she was laughing so hard and had tears rolling down her cheeks. That made me feel better about the whole thing. Maybe I should be laughing about it too instead of the mortified feeling I was feeling.

She said that being caught naked by someone happens to everyone (I won't share her personal experience with that--haha love you mom!). At least I got it knocked out of the way and hopefully will never have that happen to me again.

Moral of the story: (1) disable the FaceTime feature on an iPad that your kids use regularly and (2) always make sure that your husband never forgets a meeting.

As for me, I am going to be a little more cautious when I take a bubblebath and laugh more when I get embarrassed.


Sunday, September 18, 2016

The Wrays Graduate from College



Cat is out of the bag! Judd and I graduated from BYU in April 2015. Sure, it was over a year ago, but thanks to my ability to document our lives so well, I am just now writing about it. Fair warning--I cannot think about my graduation without getting emotional. Not because I miss college or anything like that (even though I do), it is because I wasn't sure if my graduation was going to be possible and all of the selfless help we received from family and friends is the only thing that made it possible.

Let's go back and set the scene. Three weeks before finals during my junior year in BYU's public relations program, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Zoey. Life couldn't be better. I was seriously on cloud nine. I had finally found the missing piece to my life--my daughter. Becoming Zoey's mother filled me with such joy and satisfaction that I couldn't ever imagine my life looking gloom again.

But, unfortunately, it did.


After spending four amazing months in San Diego with my little bug, Judd, Zoey and I returned to Provo to finish our senior year of college. The time that I had spent with Zoey during that endless summer did come to an end. Stress and some postpartum depression became a companion with me as I went back to classes and internships everyday.

We were looking to purchase a house at the time and until we found a permanent residence, we were living with Judd's brother and his wife. Living with Chad and Cat was a god-sent. Seriously though. Cat was always so willing to watch Zoey for us so Judd and I could attend class. As much as I didn't wish it was the case, I was taking 16 credits that semester on top of an on-campus internship so that I would be able to finish by spring. Judd was taking just as many credits and although we had staggered our classes to overlap as little as possible, we were still in desperate need of baby sitters to tend Zoey. I will forever be so grateful to Cat who watched Zoey countless hours for us during that time in our lives.

Earlier that year, my sister Brittany had moved from Eagle Mountain to Orem for her husband to work at BYU. This also proved to be one of my greatest blessings during this time because she was watching Zoey all the time as well. She lived about 10 minutes off campus and I remember the countless times Judd and I would drop Zoey off at Brittany's house on our way to class and then pick her up on our way back to Chad and Cat's. Zoey's time at Brittany's house increased even more once we bought a house less than two miles away from where Brittany was living.

On one of my first days back in class, I had a professor who was this old, British man, Professor  John Hughes. He was asking the class questions as a way to let us get to know one another and one of the things he said was, "Raise your hand if you have any children." I was the only one in my class who raised my hand. That was when he turned to me and asked how old my child was. When I responded that she was only five months old, he told me that he allowed babies into his class and that I was welcome to bring her with me anytime I wanted. I took him up on that offer. Judd and I were able to work it out where we could bring her to campus, and he could watch her while I was in my first class of the day and then I could take her to Professor Hughes' class with me while he went to his classes. Professor Hughes allowing me to bring Zoey to class helped me feel like I saw some light at the end of the tunnel and that I would eventually be able to spend all day with her again.


Somehow during that fall semester, on top of everything else going on, we were able to buy a house and convert it into a duplex. That was incredibly stressful, and I felt like I was once again being pulled away from Zoey. I think Judd recognized how difficult of a time I was having because he went above and beyond at finishing up the house by putting in long hours and sending me to Chad and Cat's house so I could be with Zoey. At the end of the semester, we were finally able to move into out house. It was nice to be in a place of our own, but we did miss Chad and Cat's hospitality and the close relationship that Zoey had with their kids.

Miraculously, I survived that semester and was beginning to prep for my final one at BYU. I was only taking six credits, but I did have to do an off campus internship. I decided to intern at a start up company called A3 Industries. Judd too was able to do part time, but he had neglected his work the semester before and needed to start recruiting for our next summer. That was when we asked both of our mothers if they could each take a day to come watch Zoey while I was at my internship and Judd was at work. What wonderful mothers Judd and I have! They did not even bat an eye when we made such a huge request of them.


My mom came down every Monday and Caroline came down every Wednesday. Not only did they watch Zoey, but they cleaned and organized my house and even ran errands for me. Those two saintly women would take the two-hour round trip drive every week regardless of weather or their own busy schedules. They truly are the ultimate example to me of how a mother's love and care never ends for her children. I want to someday pay it forward where if Zoey or any other of my children ever need my help, I can be there for them to love and support them.

There were also countless other people who helped watch Zoey while Judd and I finished school. My dear friends Becca and Daniela helped out many, many times and I will always be grateful for them. One of the main lessons I learned through all of this is that Heavenly Father wants to bless his children in their righteous endeavors and that if we have faith and gratitude, that we will truly understand his love for us.

The final person who made my graduation possible was Judd. When we first found out we were pregnant, I was crushed. I believed that I would never finish school. But Judd, as serious as a heart attack, looked at me and told me that he would do whatever was in his power to make sure that I graduated from college--even if it meant that he didn't go back to school so that he could watch Zoey full time. His continuous love and support helped me feel like I was able to do it. He spent many nights holding me and making me feel better for leaving my daughter everyday so I could attend class. His faith in me showed me that not only was I good enough to accomplish my goals, but that I would always be supported by him. I truly came to love and appreciate my sweet husband more and more everyday. Judd has been a constant light and a wonderful companion to me since day one and I will always appreciate him for that.


As my final semester was winding down, I was still struggled with some PPD, although I don't think I truly saw that depth of it. I spent a lot of time emotionally eating. I would also just lie in bed whenever I had off time and just imagine myself sinking into my mattress and never coming out.

And then there was that voice in my head that every time I looked in the mirror it told me that I was a burden on my family and that I was a bad mom.

It told me that I was wasting my time and money because I would never end up using my degree.

It told me that Zoey would have been better off with a mom who could stay home with her all day.

It told me that my hopes and dreams were silly and that I wasn't someone who deserved to have those goals.

But I kept going. I didn't necessarily feel like I was trying to, more like I was just going through the motions. And when graduation finally did hit, I felt like I could finally be the mom I wanted to be. I still struggled (and sometimes still do) with that voice inside my head. Honestly, what probably helped me the most was becoming physically active again. That is what lead me to getting my barre certification. Being done with school and moving to Kansas City where Zoey and I were together all day again helped a lot too. Finally, trying to always find gratitude in every situation helped me pull through the dark days. I was grateful that I could accomplish my goals. I was grateful that I could be an example to Zoey. I was grateful that I was able to grow to appreciate my husband and family even more.


Graduating from college is one of my top five most proud moments of my life. I remember feeling so relieved that day and truly enjoying celebrating with my family and loved one on that day. I know that there are many moms out there who do it without the help of family and friends and I honestly have so much respect for them. I had it easy compared to what a lot of moms go through.


The overall lesson I learned from all of this is that everyone is deserving of their dreams. Sometimes it seems like they are impossible. A lot of times we need the help of others to accomplish them. It also may seem like it takes forever to complete them. But regardless of how we accomplish our goals, the important thing is that we do.

Thanks again to our wonderful friends and family who helped us during this time in our lives. We will always remember your selflessness and kindness!

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Get ready for LOTS of updates

I honestly don't know where to begin this blog post. I haven't updated my blog in over 2 years!! Ahhh!! Has it really been that long?? So much has happened these past two years:

1. Zoey turned one
2. Zoey turned two
3. Judd and I graduated from BYU
4. We bought a house
5. We moved to Kansas City, KS
6. We moved to Boca Raton, FL
7. We got pregnant with baby #2
8. We found out baby #2 is a girl
9. I got my barre certification and have been teaching at Xtend Barre
10. We have grown more in love every day

And those are just the first 10 things that pop into my head. I am starting to think that I need to do a few blog posts to go back and reflect on those significant moments in our lives. I am currently 29 weeks pregnant and as I look back at the last time I updated my blog, the phrase, "The days are long, but the years are short," comes to mind. How true that is!! In the meantime, just know that Judd and I are so grateful for one another and that we have come to truly appreciate and value the family and friends that have come into our lives.

Just this morning, Judd was saying how grateful he was to be in a situation where he knew that his family and my family loved him and how it is so easy to take that for granted. It is true. How wonderful it is that I have my family and friends that I can reach out to with any problem and they will receive it with love and care for me. We truly are blessed.